What do you see?

When you look into a child's face, what do you see?

Yesterday, having too much time on my hands and reluctant to check my favorite part of my favorite adoption website - the one where people are reporting all their terrific news on their incoming approvals and travel permissions - I had to look further afield for something to distract myself. So I found myself on the infertility board of my favorite site http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php. Which led me, via a link there, to another board for women suffering with Male Factor infertility. The first post on that board was this:

"Hi. I have written here a lot this past year. We underwent TESE/ICSI procedure [Kate: this is a procedure where apparently when a man produces no sperm, they can be "retrieved" from the testicle itself and injected directly into a woman's egg] and had 12 eggs taken out and only 1 fertilize. But it worked. During my pregnancy (which was very uneventful) we decided we were not going to go through it again in a few years and just use donor sperm. Because it was so emotional - what if that one egg did not fertilize. It was just too much to handle.

But we gave birth a few days ago. And my whole mind has changed. I suggest EVERYONE go through with the procedure if there is a chance of finding sperm. It is so thrilling to deliver a healthy baby and have it look like my husband. We would of loved a baby if we used donor sperm as much - but this was SO worth it!!!"

This made me think. There was a point, soon after Joshua was born, where I was so enthralled by how much he looked like Tom. It was incredible and special, and I felt so amazed at this incredible being that we had created. But that excitement was tempered by what happened to Joshua at his birth, and what we went through those first 2 years, with his surgery and MRIs, waiting and wondering how it would turn out. Somewhere in those months, somehow I found myself looking at Joshua and not seeing Tom... but looking for God. Along the line somewhere I realized that it wasn't anything we did that brought Joshua into our lives. God placed him here, to help us see Him and His love, through the love we felt for our son, through our suffering, hopes and joys. Rather than being something we created, I realized that Joshua was a miraculous creation, and our gift from God, and our gift was to be his parents, to shepherd him through childhood in just the same way that our Good Shepherd guides and helps all of us as we grow up on this earth, in preparation for the life that lies ahead.

So when we were unable to get pregnant again, and indeed were told by the doctors that Joshua himself was a miracle who, by all probability, shoud never have been conceived... it was no surprise to us. We already knew Joshua was a miracle. The doctors just confirmed it for us. As for getting pregnant again, they gave us no hope unless we chose to undergo significantly invasive "advanced fertility techniques"... unless we basically chose to have a doctor create a new life, through science and outside of any natural event, for me to carry. Aside from these approaches being contrary to our church's beliefs... they just seemed wrong. Whereas Joshua was our incredible miracle gifted by God, going that route would make the next child more a product of science than grace. That just didn't feel right. And it also felt wrong to go to such incredible lengths to create a life where none wanted to be created, when there are children who already exist who need families.

The choice for adoption was easy. We found another way to open ourselves to God's plan. And so, on December 26, 2006, our second miracle child came into our lives. And whether I am looking into Joshua's psychedelic hazel-brown eyes, or Noah's deep black pools, at Joshua's peaches-and-cream skin, or Noah's olive tan... I know I am seeing just a glimpse of the face of God.

What a tremendous gift.